Sunday, June 20, 2010

Dad

I miss you.

I miss the way things used to be. I miss being excited to tell you what was going on in my life. I miss being able to cry on your shoulder and know that your shoulder rubs and words could make everything feel better again. I miss joking with you about how crazy our family is. I miss seeing you in your "spot" on the sofa on Christmas morning. I miss picturing my wedding day without worrying if I should invite you or not. I miss having a solid foundation in my life. I miss long conversations with you when you weren't drunk. I miss long conversations with you where you didn't twist my words around later. I miss long conversations with you where I didn't realize halfway through that your brain doesn't really work anymore. I miss not having so much pain and worry in my heart when I think of you.

Today you are sitting in the same motel room that you have been living in for almost 6 months. As far as I know, you only leave once a week to deposit a check in mom's account and probably to buy booze. Alcoholism has broken your mind and you are too paranoid, depressed, and sick to live a normal life now. The you I remember from a few years ago and the person you are today are two completely different people. I never imagined that the strong man that I loved and depended on would end up being so weak and broken. I am heart broken that you've done this to yourself and to our family. I call you every now and then, but I end up regretting it half the time. I called this morning but kept it short and sweet, which I worry may have hurt your feelings and I hate that, because you break my heart every. single. day.

Happy father's day, Daddy. I hope that today was as good a day as it could be for you. I love you.

4 comments:

Debbie said...

I miss my dad too. The dad I had YEARS ago before he ruined everything and the family.

Kristy said...

It is so sad that myself and others probably relate to this post on a very personal level. Father's Day has a different kind of meaning to us, especially when searching through Father's Day cards for other people in your life.

susie @newdaynewlesson said...

That is so sad. Lots of hugs.

I don't know you but I have a feeling that this book may give you a bit of comfort:

http://www.amazon.com/Your-Souls-Plan-Discovering-Meaning/dp/1583942726/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1277588835&sr=8-3

Let me know if it does.

kathryn said...

Aw, honey. I'm so sorry....I can't imagine how hard this has been on you and your family.

I don't think there's anything I could say that would take away that pain...but I'll listen any time you want to vent....I may be far away but I can still hear you.

Sending you cyber hugs....