Thursday, October 1, 2009

Unhealthy Conversations

I originally wrote this entry on my old college blog back in May of 2006. I was reminded after reading this post over at From the Inside...Out. WARNING: Apparently I used to swear even more back then than I do now...you've been warned.

So here is a public service announcement: DO NOT put off writing a paper/project until the very last second because your printer will choose that exact time to quit working. Today I worked on a project ALL DAY that was due at 4pm, and I was only gonna be a little late for class...I know I suck. I typed the last word, added a punctuation mark, smiled to myself and thought "Success!" I clicked on the print button and was prepared to run out the door paper in hand. Unfortunately, all did not go as planned. The damn printer refused to print. Here is a synopsis of what transpired between me and my printer:

Me: Haha Printer, very funny. Ok, now print.

Printer: No.

Me: This isn't funny...you're making me later for class.

Stupid Printer: Oh well.

Me: God dammit!! You are stressing me out!!! COME ON!!!

Fucking Printer: No, YOU are stressing you out. If you hadn't put this off until the last minute you wouldn't have a problem now, would you?

Me: I really don't have time for this...just give me my paper and we can talk about this when I get back, ok?

Stupid Fucking Printer: Um...no.

Me: WHAT THE FUCK??!!!!?!? I NEED MY PAPER AND I NEED IT NOW!!!!!!!!

Stupid Fucking Jackass Printer: You would have it now if you had started it long ago, like you were supposed to.

Me: LISTEN YOU PIECE OF SHIT!!! I DON'T NEED YOUR HOLIER THAN THOU ATTITUDE...I KNOW I FUCKED UP!!! JUST GIVE ME MY PAPER!!!!!!

Stupid Fucking Jackass Crappy Piece of Plastic Printer: Do you realize how stupid you look right now? Dude, you're talking to a printer.

Me: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *Karate chops printer*

Motherfucking Piece of Shit Printer That has a Death Wish: Ouch. Yeah, violence is no way to solve your problems. Now your hand just hurts and you still aren't getting your paper. What have we learned?

Me: That HP just wasn't the way to go...and not to procrastinate. Give me my paper.

Printer: No.


Yeah, so Printer and I are SO fighting right now. But I managed to email myself the paper and print it off in the computer lab, so all is well, no worries:)


HAPPY MAY EVERYONE:)

7 comments:

Kathryn said...

OMG, Jen....this was ABSOLUTELY HYSTERICAL....You've given me one HUGE belly laugh after another!!! LOVE your argument.....LOVE the printer's damned attitude...can so TOTALLY relate!
So sweet of you to link me, sweetie...
This post is a CLASSIC!!!

John C said...

HAH! I remember this! It has stood the test of time as amazing.

Boots McGee said...

Bwhahahahaha! The funny this is that I've had that exact same conversation with my printer in the past. Only I didn't karate chop it, I drop kicked it.

Needless to say I no longer own a printer. :)

Boots McGee said...

*The funny thing is*

Apparently I can't type either. Maybe it's time to drop kick my computer and pretend it's the computer's fault and not my typing skills.

Intriguing thought....

*uncorked said...

Oh man, I've had that conversation with my printer on more than seven occasions.

jessicabold said...

The printer and I are no longer on speaking terms. My husband is the middle-man...cause the last time printer and I went at it...well, let's just say it wasn't pretty.

http://www.booshy.wordpress.com

lifelove'n'wine said...

Kathryn - Glad I could give you a good laugh...you always do it for me!

John - I was wondering if you'd remember:)

Boots - It's definitely the computer's fault...you can do no wrong!

*uncorked - I think we all have. In fact, I don't even have a printer anymore because I got so sick of these arguements. This makes it difficult when I need to print things, however...

jessicabold - Welcome! Haha, glad to know I'm not alone!